Au Pair? Start here.
Welcome Au Pairs!
It used to be that, if you’d have gotten to this blog and this page, it was probably because you or one of your friends knew one of my Au Pairs. Now, though, the blog has gotten popular enough that you au pairs are finding it on your own. Welcome!
Although this blog was really started for Host Moms and Dads, it has evolved. We’ve begun to include posts about topics raised by au pairs when these issues are relevant to host parents. And, we enjoy the participation of au pairs in the comments too. Please keep in mind, though, that this is mainly a resource for Host Parents. In contrast to you au pairs, who have country-based sites, Facebook groups, and MySpace pages, Host Parents have had, well, zilch. This blog is pretty much “the cluster meeting for Host Parents”.
We could also use some expert Au Pair input. I want to know what topics you wish Host Moms and Dads would think about. And, we’d like your opinions on a variety of AP-HM topics.
The point here is to figure out the ‘best practices’ of Host Moms & Dads so that we can have great relationships with our Au Pairs. This can benefit you, because if you can have a great relationship with your host parent(s) you can make your adventure as an au pair even better!
I think the best way for me and other Host Moms & Dads to learn how to be better at the whole business of having an Au Pair is for us to be able to see things not only from our perspective, but also from the perspective of Au Pairs.
And that’s where you come in. If I post a “Question to Au Pairs” post– add your comments! If I send out an email asking for advice, send me your opinion!
Please join in the comments on each of the posts… making sure to keep in mind the guidelines for commenting that are listed on the “First Visit?” page.
JUST BE SURE to protect your privacy, your Host Family’s privacy, your Counselor’s privacy, and your friends’ privacy by not revealing too many specific details.
Thanks for your comments– email me at Mom@AuPairMom.com.
{ 160 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so glad I found this website. I am a counselor who wants to share a great idea I got from one of my host families. They leave a camera at home with their aupairs with instructions to take candid pictures of their kids whenever the children are doing something particularly cute or fun.
This way the parents get to see some of those special moments and the aupair and the parents bond via these shared moments
Love your website. Marguerite
Hi dear host mom,
My name is Denise and I’m au pair in Ohio. I live in United States for 1 year and now I’m looking for a new family for my second year.
I’m 26 years old, I’m from Brazil and I have driver’s license.
I take care 4 children 4, 9, 10 and 12 years old.
I have experience with babies too.
My e-mail for contact is: dealpe@ig.com.br
Regards,
Denise.
Dear Reader,
I would like to speak a little about me and I hope you like it.
My name is Carolina Ortega Muñoz; I’m from Colombia; I’m 27 years old and I’m agrozootecnista, my carrier is about production of animals and grows, I chose this career because I love animals and I like to know all about them and how to they interact with the environment.
I consider myself a responsible, lover, peaceful, and educated person who loves kids, nature, animals and learn different new things every day.
I am homebody, watching movies and I like dancing because I think that makes people feel happier.
I like to practice sports like swimming or skating in roads, listening to music, meeting new people and talking about life, visiting different places and making a lot of friends.
I lived with my sister and my pets, they are beautiful and wonderful. My sister is a hairdresser, she is a hard worker, friendly and a good sister, I love her so much. The dogs are our babies, their names are Peguy and Lily Mia, Peguy is 9 years old and Lily Mia is 2 years old, they are funny and sported dogs and they bring happiness to our life.
My parents are living in Spain with my youngest brother; their names are Gerardo, Nora and Christian Gerardo. They moved there because they wanted to know other culture and because there are more work opportunities for them.
My father had worked in different things such as meal seller, independent worker and other jobs but now he is working in a vineyard like an operator.
My mother is hairdresser too and she works in a barbershop.
They are my love; I am a lucky person for having these parents, they thought me all the good values and things that I know and they have always treated me with a lot of love.
Christian Gerardo, is 18 years old, he is a good person, he likes to study about cars and motorcycles, in this moment he is studying English like I, and this is something that I really like; he learns quickly because he is a intelligent person.
We are a close family; at home we have had a lot of love. If somebody has a problem, our family always gets together and is disposed to offer some help to find a solution for any problem.
When someone wants to do new things we support her / him and help with all, for this reason my family encouraged and supported me in my decision to come to another country to meet new people and to interact with their culture.
Now I live in new York, I am a Au Pair in America, I am working with a very good family where I am taking care 2 children, Andy is 3 years old and Max is 10, they are wonderful, I love them but I have to do rematch because my host-mom is a nurse, she is a good person but her job does not permit to have a regular schedule, for this reason I did not have a regular time for going to study English, and this is very important for me, now I want to get a good family who gives me time for going to the school and tries me like part of the family.
Since I was 15 years old I stared to help and work with kids in a community work program led by the government. I got experience in managing recreation groups, we played different activities where kids learn about interesting ways to spend their free time such us painting, reading and studying about art, culture and other subjects.
When I was 19 years old I started to work taking care of children, I’m worked on it once a week
Later a good friend introduced me with Jeny an independent worker. She had a baby girl who was 1 year old, I helped her taking care of her baby while she was working, I fed the baby, changed her diapers, played with her, I put her baby to bed and sometimes I cared the baby when she was sick.
Valeria is 5 years old now and I helped her with her homework, I thought her English, I put her to bed and we played together, we always did funny things such as play with her toys or we go skating.
I love her and she loves me, we love each other so much.
The other baby that I have taken care since four years ego is Felipe and now he is 10 years old, he has a babysitter but I help him with Maths, English, Spanish and Systems homework, I played with him and his friends and we have a great time, I was usually with him on Saturday every week and when his babysitter cannot stay with him and if I had some free time.
I have worked with different kids, I have taken care of kids all ages, for example I help a good friend with her child, and she is only 6 months old, she is so pretty, my friend is going to university and I can help her, so I her fed her baby, I change her diaper and I keep an eye when she is sleeping.
I have gotten experience working with kids because I love kids and I like to stay with them, they teach me different things and I teach them with so much love and patience.
I am so patience with kids when they don’t understand something I don’t have problem to explain them again.
I like to tread kids like kids, I enter in their world and I try to understand their feelings and their dreams that’s why they trust me and I can help and encourage them.
I am in USA because I like to learn about other culture, how is their lifestyle and if I can work with kids and learn English, this is perfect for me because I gain experience, knowledge about children care and I meet new and different people, moreover I can improve my English.
Hi, I’m an aupair now and I found this blog quite interesting, it’s funny to see “the other side”, to see what “our” moms think of us and the whole au pair situation. After matching with this family, and coming to live with them, I made sure to ask my host dad why they decided to have an au pair, it’s kind of weird to me to have a “stranger” living in your house, because that’s what an au pair is and trust your children to the person… and yeah, his answer satisfied me.
Anyway, after being here for almost 6 months I’m pretty sure I came to live with the RIGHT family, they are just everything I could wish for and more… I love my host family (I talk to my host mom a lot and I’d say she’s a good friend of mine here, if not the best) and I love my kids, I can see what a real family looks like here, the opposite of what I’d think back in my country reading stuff other au pairs would say. Also, they are good to me, good in a way that only my real family would be, always making sure that I have all I need, that I’m happy and comfortable. I’m really thankful for everything they’ve done to me and for welcoming me into their family and lives like that. And I make sure I’m returning all the attention and care. Still, even doing anything in my power to make their care worth for them I don’t think I’m doing enough… being so comfortable and made at home, makes you feel like you need to do something else. They never ask me to do any kind of house keeping, even the lightest kind, but I do some stuff when the baby is sleeping or the kids aren’t home. Well, what I’d like to know from you is: what is it that makes an au pair great? What are you looking for in an au pair? And having your someone in your house and making them feel part of your family, what would you expect back?
I just want to make her year as good as they’re making mine. And I’d really appreciate some help. Thank you, J.
Jen, I’ll create a post about your question and schedule it for early next week. Please feel welcome to chime in on any particular post, if you think an AP perspective can help out!
Hy moms! My name is Salomé, and I’m looking for a full-time live-in nanny position ASAP!
I enjoy being outdoors with children and visiting interesting places,
such as local parks, zoos, libraries and art/science museums.I treat
children with respect, patience, and I affectibly use discipline and
love them as they are.
I’m looking for a family who really wants to open their house and their
hearts to receive a new member on their family.
some of my responsibilities with the family are:
Planning calendar of activities for the week
Driving children to/from school, activities, playdates, parties
Creating outside playtime and games, read books, art projects, handcrafts, and trips,
Preparing healthy meals and light household,
Doing the kids’ laundry,
Runnig occasional errands (e.g.: Milk, birthday present, kids’ prescriptions).
Other features:
I’m a Spanish speaker, I’m able to teach Spanish as a second language. (elementary/high school)
I have a very good English,
I’m available full-time, even during the night.
I’m fairly flexible, if you need me earlier/later than usual because of your work or any othar activity.
I have an international driver’s license and clean driving record.
I consider myself trustworthy, thoughtful, hard working, loyal, patient and intelligent when I need to decide.
Dear moms,dad, aupairs and whoever is on this website,
I am an aupair since one year and a half now but I start to get really fed up. Is it normal than my host family make me look after her friends’ kids for free and quite often? Is it normal she doesn’t tell me bye or hello just because she is in a bad mood? Is it normal she puts all her kids’s clothes in the wash just because it was messy in the cupboard? Also, am I allowed to refuse to change her bed’s clothes?
thanks for any reply.
I am sorry if I am not asking advice in the good page but i read through a lot and I don’t know where to do it. Please, I would like to change family but maybe all she does is right and i shouldnt be upset…
thank you for any reply
Ok, housework is not permitted. You can refuse to do that. Taking care of friends children is not ok. You can tell her that it is just too much for you and it is not in your contract.
if you are considering being an au-pair do not do it
to parents do not choose to have an au-pair because y ou cannot manage alone. I have found that families needing au-pairs are money valuing workahloics with no time or intention to put 200 percent into their children, to me this is disgusting. The parents will never be happy with your job and will expect you to work far to much. Also the parents will be to guilty to discipline there children correctly.
I believe in caring and love for children and I strongly believe that people who need to hire an au-pair generally have misunderstood the lifestyle of having children.
If anybody can argue with this point please do, I would like to understand.
Dear “hating being an au pair”
i’dont think there is anything wrong with you, i think that you need a break, i was an au pair in 2005 and that was the best time of my life, i lived with a family that is now well known around here but besides that i think you need to speak to your LCC, if you are not happy then you cant enjoy your american year (unless you are an american). just an example we were 18 au pairs from our country in a community of 40 000 people 10 of them always complaint of how they want to be treated, they also deserve happiness, off time, fun with the kids, holidays with the family exc. but the whole point of being an au pair was to get the american experience, travel, meet some people & get momories with a family that you will love. host parent get au pairs to look after their kids cause they have to work to get money to pay you. I would think if you’re not happy and you really feel you need to rematch then do it. Not all host parent are like yours, most of host parents will go out of the way to make you feel at home, when you sick they bring you soup or call the doctor, when you’re lonely they organise a surprise visit from a fellow au pair or on you’re birthday they take you to that fancy restaurant. remember not all host parents are dreams come true, i sure did have the american dream. you can have it too.
You might want to look at the posts from host parents about their au pairs that we did for Au Pair Appreciation Week. Point by point arguments abound on those pages.
It sounds like perhaps you have not seen the full breadth of parents who choose to host au pairs; parents who enjoy the cultural exchange and sharing leadership of their children with young women who are fabulous role models for living an adventurous and curious life.
Hi HBanAP– I think I can probably speak for most of the parents on this list by saying that you must be having a bad experience. I’m sure that there are some families like what you describe (just as there are some au pairs who are self-centered and here to play rather than care for kids) but that is not how MOST host families are.
Your comments also suggest that you have seen only a narrow view of American culture, or that you are interpreting what you see in a narrow way. For example, women who work for pay outside the home don’t do this because they are “money valuing workaholics”, and they don’t do it because they don’t care about their kids. If you are having a bad time with your current host family, speak with the host parents and / or speak with your LCC. This situation sounds bad for all involved, and you should do your part to try to make it better. If you look around this site, you’ll see lots of guidelines and advice for host parents that you can use to set your expectations, and that you can share with your host family. Your Au Pair year should be one where you grow as a responsible person– take charge of your situation and see what you can do.
Limpika- No, I don’t think any of those behaviors are normal. If your situation is really as bad as you say and you are acting in a responsible and respectful manner towards the family, but are still being treated this way in return, I would definitely switch families if possible.
Hating being an au pair- I think you are unfairly generalizing these families a lot. I CAN relate to what you are saying- I am a nanny (soon to be an au pair), and you basically just described the family that I nanny for. The parents work ridiculously long hours even though they don’t need to financially, and they clearly enjoy work more than being with their children. The lack of discipline in the house is crazy (you should hear how those kids scream at their parents, it’s unbelievable).
But this is NOT the norm for families with nannies or au pairs, especially not host moms who care enough to spend so much time on this website. You are clearly having a bad experience and maybe have stumbled across some parents who really shouldn’t have decided to have kids, but most parents who have au pairs are not monsters and are not bad parents.
CV — well said!
Limpika — no, not normal. Have you tried talking to her in a friendly way? To suffer in silence helps no one; certainly not you! This is something I have sometimes had to teach my APs — that even though I want her to be in charge after breakfast so we can get ready for work, saying Hi/Bye before trundling everyone out the door for the day is very important to us.
once i tried to start telling what went wrong but the dad directly said that i shouldnt complain there is much worse…. since i never said anything. she knows it’s not normal, i’m sure. I came back from holiday on monday and I could see that she did nothing at all and I don’t know why but she put most of the kids’ clothes back to the ironing whereas i did it before and I’m good at it… is it like a revenge? I know she didn’t want me to go on holiday
Just a thought for those who wonder why 80% of American moms work outside the home … from Katie Couric http://bit.ly/bnarb
Well, Limpika, while there are much worse, there are also much better! You sound very sad to me. You should be having a year where you learn a lot about yourself and build skills that will help you make your way through adulthood. Not that everything will be rosy all the time, but that you can grow through the hard parts. It sounds to me like you feel isolated. I hope you have made some good AP friends who can help you figure out what to do next to fix this or find a new place. Have you tried to talk to your counselor? Maybe she can help you think this through.
This mom has laundry issues! I think we may have an iron someplace around the house. Certainly the kids’ clothes don’t require one. I feel good if they are sort of folded and put on the proper shelves/containers.
I don’t have any counselor, I found this family through a website. I have no contract and no official papers saying that I’m working for them (we don’t need it in England). I am not happy with them, maybe sometimes I am but it’s stressful all the time. I don’t know how to tell them that I want to leave as in front of me they never act badly, and the kids like me a lot
it’s hard.
also I’d like to stay in England until december as I need to pass exams but I would not be able to find another family without having any referees and no one want an aupair for only 6 months, it’s really rare.
I know exactlyhow you feel. Was an au pair in the netherlands and was exactly how you described!
by the way if your unhappy about your situation what I did is sat down with my host parents and discussed how I was feeling and found what was the best solution which was in the end me wanting to leave just tell them and dont be scared you have as much right to say how your feeling as they do
I know how you feel, I worked for a horrible host family and it is so unbearably stressful working for and living with people like that 24/7.
Hi everyone. I’m a nanny, but I am an American girl, living in The Netherlands. I also work for an American family, which is great.
I enjoy my job SO much, but there are a few things I wanted to get advice on.
For example: The baby I watch is 7.5 months old. He does not fall asleep on his own, I still put him in the Baby Bjorn, as this is the quickest way to get him to fall asleep…but after I get back from my vacation in July, I will not be putting that contraption back on…he weighs around 22 pounds now and my back is just taking a beating from that. When I get home in the evenings, it just aches and aches. Also, he won’t take a bottle from me unless he is in the bjorn or the stroller, about to take a nap. His parents are concerned about this, but he should be able to fall asleep on his own by now. He does not have his own room (I believe they’re going to set that up by the time I get back in July) and he doesn’t sleep through the night, ever. What is frustrating for me, is that when he doesn’t sleep through the nights, I get here and I can kind of get the vibe that they think it’s my fault b/c of the length of his naps in the daytime. So, I’ve lessened the naps, and still, he does not sleep through the night, and he does not fall asleep by himself.
So, my host Mom asked me to make sure he doesn’t sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time, so I’ve done that this week, and still, no change. However, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, his mother will breastfeed him/feed him to get him to go back to sleep…and usually, since he doesn’t want much to do w/milk, he just wants to play, so they give him toys and let him play at 4am. Then, I’m the one who has to deal with a fussy baby who is tired, but can’t sleep. There’s just no rhyme or reason to it at all, except that I’m convinced the baby has realized how to manipulate his parents! He’s never had to fall asleep on his own, and I don’t want to start trying to get him used to that if his parents will just destroy what I’m trying to do, by doing the opposite. This little boy is very smart and such a cutie, we’re great friends and he trusts me 100% and he already knows that I have different rules then Mommy and Daddy, and he gets that. I love him very much, and get along with his parents great, but I’m feeling bad for them, and would like to offer any advice that I can, without sounding like, “I think you’re doing this all wrong, and I’m sick of it.” kind of thing.
Thanks in advance.
Brittany
I enjoyed so much reading through all these emails. I’m looking forward to my time spend in America, and reading all the Mom’s post really gave me a lot of info on how to be a better Au Pair !
Hey Brittany,
stumbled upon this site and as a dutch mom of 3 thought i’d respond to your question.
There is no other way than to talk to the parents.
i guess you know that too but simply don’t know how to handle it.
ask them somewhere midday. not during rush hours or when the baby is almost due for dinner or napping or whatever.
ask them if you can have a word coz you simply care for your baby just like they do and would like to ask their advice and share your thoughts about this situation. be open. you seem like you truly care and the parents probably are doing the best they can too, without any party having the final solution. The best thing to keep in mind with babies in general is that EVREYTHING is temporary. In a month time (or during the holidays) things may have become totally different. Hang in there and if you ever would want to meet up with our au pair in Rotterdam, leave a comment at our site or check out my facebook profile from the rotterdamdailyphoto site
Limpika, I don’t know the whole situation but none of those things sound normal to me. I don’t know what to tell you. Sounds like you’re kind of stuck, actually. If at all possible I’d try to keep talking to them, and bringing back specific data about au pair’s responsibilities (i.e. as I understand it, they only watch the kids they’re charged with, and they’re part of the family and deserve common civil decency.)
Brittany, that kind of situation would drive me nuts, to be honest. Can you sit down with them and talk about a long-term sleep plan? Offer to do some reading about various sleep philosophies (No-Cry Sleep Solution might mesh well with them) and sum it up for them? It is definitely true that, from the HP POV, what happens during the day affects how well they sleep, and I am very adamant that my au pair not let my babies nap too much during the day, and sticks to our schedule, and keeps them active enough that they’ll be tired at night. But on the other hand, the HP also have to take responsibility for helping the baby to sleep at night. I think if you show you care about it and want to help them, your input would be well-received.
If you absolutely find that napping in the carrier is necessary, there are better carriers out there. The Ergo and the Beco are two examples.
Oh I meant to ask. Would any au pairs mind posting links to similar sites such as this that give the au pair point of view? I don’t want to pry, I just want to see things from the other direction.
Ack sorry for all the posts – just wanted to clarify that when I say “that kind of situation would drive me nuts” I mean as an au pair, not as a host family. I think I’d kinda go crazy being an au pair in that situation.
Brittany,
Your host family may be relieved if you find an acceptable solution.
I really recommend a book called, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” Wouldn’t it be nice if kids came with manuals for everything?
I totally love this book and believe in the Dr Wiesbluth method. It really worked for us… especially the motto: Sleep begets sleep. A baby who gets good naps goes to sleep at night. Never understood quite why, but it worked.
My kids really learned well how to go to sleep after our sweet goodnight routine.
Another fan of Dr. Weisbluth book here…
Good morning all!
I am a 28 yr old American and I am trying to find an Au Pair position in Europe. I am currently registered with a matching website and have had luck finding compatible families. However, I have encountered one road block after another. I have yet to be able to find a country that accepts Americans, that are over 27. I was initially looking at Ireland and UK. Ireland is not issuing work permits for any jobs under 30,000E. I am allowed in the country for 3 months, but do not believe I would be allowed to work? The UK does not allow American Au Pairs, except through BUNAC, however BUNAC ended in December 2008. Does anyone have advice on where I might meet the work requirements? I have my bachelor’s degree, but graduated a little over 5 years ago. I do not have intentions on pursuing a post grad in the near future, but wouldn’t be opposed to language classes, if that is a requirement. Any advice will be welcomed and appreciated!
Thanks, Rachael
The Sleep Lady’s guide (Kim West) was a godsend for a kid who would have thrown up rather than do anything close to a cry-it-out. Method absolutely works and is super gentle. Got it from my pedi, who used it on her third kid and wished she had had it for the first two. The separate sections dealing with different issues (in our case, reflux) was so accurate it could have been a case study on my child. And did I mention it worked, even at 1 year old?
Very interesting to hear different perspectives on this topic! I am a mother of three, a 3 month old , 2 and 14 (the 14yr. old is very helpful and independent). I am currently looking into hosting an aupair. Myself and my husband do tend to work alot, but we also take off alot of time, which I think is beneficial. We are very proactive with our children.
We currently have a nanny that loves us, especially the children. She’s is very helpful and loving. She cleans up, washes their clothing throughout the week, prepares and cooks light meals, she plays and reads to them, she’s great!She has had plenty of days off, especially during the summer. We have taken a few vacations, which have given her at least three or four weeks off. There are plenty of days we have taken off throughout the year and have gone out with the children , which allowed her to have off , unless we asked her to come along and even then we are very involved and do not leave her with a full burden.
We actually have friends that says we pay her too much for all the benefits we have given her, including our help when we are around. I am a very sympathetic, easy going person, so I cannot imagine not helping out if I am available, because they are my children and I care about the feelings of my nanny. If, there is anyone that is interested, please inform me, I am interested to know what agency’s are credible? After all these are my children and I want the best, especially since I think we are a great family to work for.
Hi. Firstly, I would like to thank for the great blog. Until the moment it has proven useful to understand some of the key points to the dynamic host parents/ au pair. I’m currently a 25 year old au pair in Germany. I began to work in this new job 3 weeks ago and I’m the first au pair the family has hired. The parents have treated me very nicely. They have tried to make me feel welcome and really treat me like a member of the family. The kids however, are I think, experiencing a sort of shock due to the change. There are 2 boys ages 4 and 2 and a half. They want their mother to do everything for them and they don’t want me to help them. 2 weeks ago, the new family member- another boy- was born. This may also affect their behaviour, but I don’t know how to address this issue. Today, I was supposed to take the 4 year old o kindergarden and play with the 2yo at a park. When we were supposed to leave home they started running and I had to chase them, until the mother had to come out and scold them. When they are without parents they obey me better, but in the house they say rude words to me and won’t obey me at all. They don’t want me to help them putting on their shoes and clothes and one day, when I went to pick the boy at the kindergarden he started crying, because it was me and not his parents. I told him I would give him a present and he came happily with me, but I don’t want to spoil them and give them gifts everytime in order for the to be nice. The 4yo is aggressive with his classmates and with me as well. Any advise? I would be very grateful. The kids tell me they don’t like me, but I suppose it is due to all the changes. What can I do to make this situation better?
I’m also working in Germany as an Aupair with boys of similar age. Well, my situation is a bit different because there is no new baby and the mother leaves before the children wake up. First, I would say talk to the host parents. How would they discipline their children if they were in your situation? Also, when the parents are home I leave the disciplining and the parenting up to them.
I would suggest attempting to bond with them. Ask the 4 year-old what he would like to do or ask him about his day. Try to find some fun games or visiting the Spielplatz.
As far as the aggression thing, what I do(and no longer have to do) is if he hits me, I hold his hands firmly to prevent him from doing this for about 5-10 seconds. Do not get angry, but just calmly tell him you don’t like that and he is not allowed to hit. When he throws screaming fits I give him an alloted time (5-10 seconds with a countdown) to stop and then bring him to his room and let him scream and cry there. I haven’t had to do that in a long time because he understands the consequences. Just remember that although hitting is never productive you are still physically stronger than him. Also, children tend to respond very well to logic. Try explaining the situation and why you must do something.
Mikim, you’re in a tough spot but your HF will be motivated to help you. And it’s normal to have this adjustment IME. Here would be my general advice to find solutions that work specifically for you. Meet with your HP’s regularly to discuss the issues (W/O the kids!) Make sure you and HP’s are aligned about the discipline they want you to use and when to implement it. Decide in your meeting your roles for discipline. (In our house HD is the BIG bad cop, HM is pretty flexible but blows a lid when bent too far and AP is the consistent one to keep herself and them out of trouble… They respect her when she says, “No, but I will ask your parents tonight if it is OK next time.”) Make sure your HP’s let the kids know you have thier trust. (HD periodically tells our kids, “AP is in charge and I don’t want to hear that you are not doing what she tells you to do – the FIRST time she tells you.” Your charges are probably too young for that lecture.) Be consistent with the kids! They are testing you; if you are a rock, they’ll quit trying to budge you. And if you have 2 physical little boys, take them outside and wear them out!!!
Can someone give me suggestions? I just started as an au pair. I look after five kids, aged: 2,5,7,9,11. The youngest two take most of my time, because I have to watch them constantly to make sure they’re not getting into trouble, and they follow me around and want me to play with them almost non-stop. This is fine, except that I feel I am neglecting the older three. They don’t need help to do things and can amuse themselves, but sometimes they look sad that I don’t give them more attention. The 9 year old is shy and we have barely spoken, which is not good but I can’t seem to find the time to give the older 3 one-on-one attention. I try in my spare time but even then the younger two start occupying me. The older ones don’t want to do the same activities as the younger ones, so I can’t really get us to do something all together. Plus the younger ones really wear me out, I don’t have alot of energy left for the older ones. However, I don’t want them to feel neglected and I would like to get to know them better. I thought of asking the HP if I can take the older three on a day out without the younger ones, but then maybe the younger ones would feel left out? I don’t know. What do you all think?
Mikim: I have 2 young kids and this behavior is VERY normal especially in the beginning. Little kids always want their parents first and to do everything. Mine do this and we’ve had great au pairs. I have one that constantly would say in front of me that “I don’t like X”. Now she asks me where X is all the time and wants to know when she will get to see her next ! Eventually, they will start listening to you (somewhat, they are still young), so long as the host parents and you are consistent in discipline and the host parents back you up (which they should know to do as I assume will do this).
Loisa: talk to your host parents. I guarantee they have the same anxiety as you do. I know my friends with older and younger multiple kids do! Work as a team to come up with a strategy. Maybe you all could agree to let the little ones watch a show for 30 minutes a day while you help older ones with something (in the same room or very near by of course), for example. Maybe you could take the little ones to watch the older ones play their sports and cheer them on? I dunno. Talk with your host parents and come up with some ideas together and them test them out. Talk to the older kids too. maybe if they have some input they will be invested in trying to make it work. Bottom line: do not stress out too much. This is very, very normal in households with many children over a wide age range.
Thanks for the answers!
Loisa:
My2Cents’ ideas are good. Does the HM work outside the home? I don’t, so I keep offering to take my younger one some days so that the older one can do some special, one-on-one activities with the AP. Sadly, she gets neglected a lot of the time because she acts independent, and has gotten into the habit of having to entertain herself even when her younger sister is napping. This has gotten to be a really bad habit, as the AP now thinks that nap time is “free time” for her instead of engaging the older girl in activities. The whole summer when she could have forged a bond between them was wasted, as school has started again. The AP complains that she asks the older girl to do things, but she never wants to, and even though I plan outings and suggest things they could do. I feel that if the AP would have made more of an effort, they’d be good friends by now, but they just haven’t clicked. We’ve had several meetings to discuss this issue, but the AP says she feels things are going well. We’re going to try to implement some changes to the routine to tie in with the new school year. I’d welcome suggestions (other than re-match, which I’m sure will be offered) of ways to get them to connect more.
To ‘hating being an au pair’ and others with similar thoughts:
I think at the end of the day you need to accept that families make their own decisions as to what the “lifestyle of having children” means. Thinking that you, as a younger person without children of your own, are going to be able to persuade them that they have “misunderstood” their role as parents is bound to lead to nothing but a strained or even failed relationship.
That’s not to say I can’t understand why you would feel the way you do – I was once an au pair (I am now 20 years older and an au pair mom), and boy, did I think I knew better than my host parents (and just about everyone else, too) about how and why to raise children! However, I also knew what my position as an au pair involved, what was expected of me and what I would be getting in return. I knew that if I was so unhappy with the way my host family was doing things that it would affect my ability to work with them (I wasn’t, and it didn’t), then I would simply have to rematch or drop out.
What I can’t understand about these kinds of comments that pop up here and there is this: Did you not communicate with your host family before you decided to take the job? Did they not tell you truthfully what they did for a living, what kinds of hours you would be working and so on? When you say that they expect you to work “too much”, is that according to your definition or according to the au pair agreement?
Hi – I have an Au Pair who unfortunately has not been able to re-match and has been taken out of the system after the standard two weeks. As her VISA is valid until next July, she is lookign to stay in the states and “Nanny”. She is a kind gentle, very tender girl who would be great with younger children. Very dedicated, thoughtful about cleaning up after meals and really wants to stay. If anyone is interested, please contact me
Thanks
FSH,
are you a hostparent or a counselor ? (trying to decide here if your characteristic of the au pair is true)
If she was not able to rematch in 2 wks, the agency usually cancels her visa. She won’t be able to stay and work legally outside the program.
Anonymous, since you don’t have a contract and want to leave, I think the most appropriate thing to do is to give them two weeks notice. Sit down and calmly explain your reasoning (trying to keep any blame as neutral as possible) and let them know you will stay the next two weeks, which should be enough time for them to arrange other childcare, and then you will leave.
Anna – I am a friend trying to “assist” the au pair find somethign else. When you say her Visa is cancelled – are you saying that the agency would have notified Dept of State or Embassy as they legally only can cancel a visa. Just checking so I can advise her.
Thanks
Yes, FSH, that’s what I mean. The agency is supposed to notify the authorities who cancel her visa.
Even if her visa is not cancelled and it was overlooked, her visa is connected to her host family. She cannot work for another family without officially rematching through her agency (legally, that is).
She can try asking her agency to give her more than 2 wks to find a family. Some agencies can do that. If she is as great as you say (which I doubt, firstly because you are a friend, and secondly she would find another family if she was so great), she should find a family without a problem.
Thanks for your information Anna – not sure why you would criticize this au pair online if you dont even know her. She was told there are 35+ in country au pairs trying to re-match and due to the economy, there is a lot of competition. ..
I have a concern about ” friends” trying to help aupairs. In order to provide safe, competent advise, it is necessary to really know the rules of the agencies as well as the US government. Anna is correct. The agencies notify the immigration people and cancel the visa. No aupair can leave a family or an approved J1 program and work on her own.
I have no idea what the chances of getting caught are and there are a lot of people who will chance hiring someone in this situation.
My other concern is that although this website is open to all,
no aupair or friend of aupair has volunteered to give us any information concerning websites representing the other point of view. Certainly there are many host parents who are just as open minded as aupairs and want to see/hear the other point of view.
At least 2 host parents have asked about this on a couple of occasions and so far as I can see, no one has shared that information. I also wonder if the policy of canceling visas after two weeks in rematch encourages people to go off the books.
Every agency is different in some ways but the basic rules are the same.
Hi All. I am a South African and I am currently in the process of applying to become an au-pair in America. I would like to know from any ex or current Au-pairs what its honestly like?I am keen to make the best of my time over there, so any advise would be much appreciated.
As a girl who as been Aupair and is thinking about being one again. I have a question not sure where to write so I thought I would try here. Its about affection with your children(hugs,kisses etc). It is something I have always wondered about. Is it Ok, how much is too much, what would you expect. (sorry my question mark key is broken
In my previous experiences I loved the kids to pieces and they loved me, we hugged and kissed on the cheek and cuddled on the couch reading a story . Is this sort of affection ok
I would check with your host family, but for me, that kind of affection would be more than okay. It would be great!
I’m an au pair for a family in France. I’m from Texas and I’m 22 years old. This is my first (and probably last) au pairing position as I didn’t take the offer to make a career out of it. I took the offer to experience a part of the world I’d never been to and submerge myself into an entirely different culture. Now, my problem is that the kids are SO misbehaved and not just for me. For their parents’ too. When their parent’s aren’t home I have to tell them 8-10 times to do their homework, take a shower, etc. And every time I get “why? Why do I have to do it? Why do you care? Well my mom doesn’t care? Well I’m going to tell my mom you were mean to me.” Every time without fail. It’s an 11 y/o girl and a 15 y/o boy. I don’t get it as much from the boy as I do the girl but the boy doesn’t talk back as much as blatantly defy me then I have to physically remove him from what he’s ignoring me with. Not as in pushing or putting my hands on him, but physically taking away his phone, or turning off the tv and taking the remote controls, or turning off the computer and taking the mouse. And when their parents are home they’re the same way and the parents don’t hardly do much of anything unless it’s something really bad. How do they expect ME to get their kids to behave when THEY can’t even do it?
I think this goes back to one article I read about some families hiring au pairs because they are workaholics, not because they need help with their family. I’ve been here for 4 weeks and I feel like I’m going insane and the homesickness doesn’t help, and the family is very french, in the same way I’m very Texan. They’re hospitable and nice but also very cold shouldered and hard edged where as I’m a generally open and sweet person so I don’t know how to address the issues with the kids to the parents or what they expect me to do when the kids misbehave…
Lacie,
That’s a very hard position to be in. There’s no question the host parents should be consistent in enforcing their rules, and not leave to work it out alone. Also, supervising a 15 year old is near impossible for anyone, let alone someone closer to their age.
I disagree with you that all host families are workaholics. I think you are upset, and it sounds like rightfully.
My advice? Sit down with the host parents. Identify the behaviors you have noticed with the kids, tell them how you’ve reacted, and tell them what did or did not happen after that. Tell them you are struggling with the kids and that the discipline they have told you to do is not working. I don’t know if I’d mention that you’ve noticed they don’t do their part. I’d probably hold back on that, actually. I bet they know and, in any event, it won’t change them if they aren’t committed in the first place. Rather, work together to come up with ideas for disciplining, focusing on the aspect of respect for you as the adult, and then try to get an agreement amongst you all to commit to a way to discipline.
Give it the “college try” to make it work, and if it doesn’t, then leave. There’s no reason for you to continue to be miserable.
Lace: Do the kids like spending time with you? Can you have fun with them? Could culture shock be an issue on your side? Have you met people, who you feel you can talk to, who are not part of your host family?
Hey! I want some advice!! I just arrived to america and it is my first time being and au pair, I matched with a family from India, but I feel very unconfortable, I dont know if Im right but please tell me what to do because I think I want a rematch but I dont know if this is worth the rematch.
im sad because I expected more from this year…
My host dad picked me to the airport and he was very nice, when I came home the kids and the host mom said hello and the they told me I could go to my room and unpack, I have a twin bed and 3 drawes to keep my stuff.
The host mom tells me to fold everyone’s clothes, to put on the dirty laundry everyone’s clothes.
To cut vegetables like onions and peppers for dinner in largeee quantities while Im taking care of her child, he tells me to wash all the dishes (althought they have a dishwasher!) after dinner and clean up the kitchen.
They tell me to work 11 hours a day even though they know Im only alloud to work 10 hours max.
They are nice with me but sometimes I feel like the host mom treats me like a maid instead of an au pair or member of the family, tell me if this is normal or I am overreacting, and if it’s not normal what should I do!!
Please help!
Ana,
I would recommend you speak with your LCC about your duties which are not child related and the hours you work if you are not comfortable speaking with the host parents. There are some duties (like chopping vegetables and cleaning the kitchen) which you may be expected to do in many HF’s because you are an adult sharing family jobs, but, if your HF is routinely breaking some clear rules (like the number of hours you work) then your LCC should be able to help. If your HF is unwilling to meet the HF commitments, I think rematch is a reasonable option.
It sounds like you are not happy with this HF for reasons beyond the job requirements (time and specific duties) however. If you feel you need a re-match for personality reasons or compatibility, then you should tell your LCC straight up.
My advice: DO NOT dwell on material things – like the size of your room – or you will be disappointed with any HF.
Ana,
I don’t know the full story, but helping with dinner and dishes doesn’t sound at all unreasonable to me. What chores does your host family do to help you? Clean the house? Take out the trash? If so, do they consider that you are treating them like maids? In a family, everyone has to do their share, including you.
Working more than 10 hours a day isn’t allowed, like you say, and that’s something to bring up with your LCC and/or with them. But I think the rest of it is completely normal.
Ana, what can I say! My Family is from Pakístan, I have kind of the same problem. I love my kids and the Family is fine, not great but is OK (also, they allow me things that I don’t think all the families does, like I don’t have time to come back even when I need to work early next day, usually I come back at 3-3:30 am somes Fri-Sat, I use the car as it was mine) BUT today is Friday and I already worked 57 hours and tomorrow I will need to wake up at 8 am and be around 2 kids and 2 infants all day untill 8.30 pm so I will work 69 hours this week and that happen every week, I don’t want to tell them they are taking advantage of me, but they are!
Cultural Care’s LCC, do you have a “general e-mail” than remaind the rules to the families? Like we can help cooking the dinner, or making the laundry, (I also do it, but I stopped folding the HP clothes), or empty the dishwasher, but that is NOT part of our job!
They want me to stay another year but I dont want to do it if I need to work more, if they don’t pay me for all the extra hours, and to be honest I know a lot of Au Pair who work more hours and the HF pay for that.
Rose,
I’m so sorry that you are being taken advantage of in this way by your host family. Caring for four children is already much more work than many APs have to deal with, and the fact that they do not compensate you for the extra hours you work is awful, IMO. Please be sure to get enough rest and take care of yourself – you need more than 4 hours of sleep nightly to function well and think clearly to care for this large family!
hey rose!! talk to your LCC I just did and I dont know how things are going to turn now, I dont feel like my host mom wants an au pair or realize the idea of what having an au pair “as a member of the family” is. but maybe they can figure something out for you, why dont you ask for a rematch??
different cultures are so different to deal with but if you talk straight to the family maybe they can do something for you!! I just wish my family was more hospitable and nice with me!! I came with many desires to get involved in the family and the host mom I feel like she doesnt even want me here!! then why hiring an au pair??? but I met really nice au pairs from my area and that helps, I just wish the day is over all the time…
First off – with regard to the hours, what they are doing is wrong.
Having said that, you need to keep track of the hours (in a little notebook or the book that CC gives the host parents for communication) and then talk to them about it. They may not agree with what you consider to be “working hours” (they may not count it when you are sitting down to eat dinner, even if you are getting up to refill kid plates) or they may not realize how many hours they are using you. If you’ve already tried this and they just don’t care, then you need to talk to your LCC.
You MAY find, that when you complain about the hours and they get reduced, some of your other “benefits” may be reduced too…not too may families tolerate AP s who stay out late on work nights or “I use the car as it was mine” . I know I wouldn’t. Maybe they consider these extras as “pay” for working you harder. It is ILLEGAL to pay APs extra to work extra hours. I know some families do it, but the rules exist for a reason.
Secondly- cooking dinner for kids, washing kids clothes, doing kids dishes ARE part of your job. And unless you are doing the whole families dishes every day, doing a load of dishes twice a week for the whole family is not out of line (they don’t leave your dishes for you to clean when they wash their own, do they?)
Hi, thanks for answer me. Yes, I think the same, they might put new rules if I complain about the hours, but I need to say I don’t go out often and wich can be the different if I am going out to watch a movie and come back at 12 and stay awake changing diapers up to 1?. About the dishes, yes I did it everyday, but then they start living their plates on the table, even the grandparents! and now I stopped, I just clean the kids dishes. And I stopped, too, doing their laundry, they mix all the clothes so I wash everything together and fold everything, but now I leave the parent clothes apart and they have 2 weeks without making it, I dont know if they are waiting for me to do it! I tolk with my LCC and she just told me I need to make it work. So I decide wait until December and when she is making “my schedule” tell her if she can be more *** (I dont know what word I can put here) with my hours. Any advice? Another one…