This post was actually a bit hard to fit to a short headline– the situation is a bit more complicated.
As usual, culture dynamics, language issues, gender dyanmics, and more at work in this au pair’s uncomfortable situation with her host dad and his friends.
What advice do you have for APinChina?
- Should she say something to her host mom, or to her host dad?
- Or should she just hide in her room the next time her Host Dad has friends over?
Dear Au Pair Mom readers —
I’m an Au pair who really needs advice on a recent situation. I immediately thought of you on this site.
I am currently an AP in China, my first time, and have been with my family for two months. Everything is really wonderful and I love the family and feel very at home.
I have a great relationship with the mother (the only one who speaks English) and the aunt who also lives here. The father I rarely see as he comes home very late at night but the times I have talked to him he also is very nice, though I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I know him.
Now to what I need advice with is that yesterday (Saturday) the whole family was going out of town to attend a wedding, they were going to sleep over at their family members and come back today (Sunday) in the afternoon. As I had went the last time they went out of town for a trip and felt like I could use some time for myself I decided to stay at home. At around 10 – 11 pm at night I suddenly hear some people opening the door and start calling my name. In comes the host father and two of his friends (one of whom I have met once before earlier this week as we visited his home. His wife recently gave birth to twins so we went over to congratulate them), all have clearly been drinking.
I say hello to them as the host father starts saying my name. I then went to the kitchen to get some water when one of his friends (the one I’ve met before and the one who actually speaks English, as my host father speaks it very poorly) and he started rambling on about somethings.
My HF other friends come over and start saying things such as ‘beautiful girl..’ and so on to me and says hello. I say hello back and then try to excuse myself to my room. We live in a fairly small apartment and my room is in direct connection to the living room where they all sat down. I do however have a lock on the door so I lock it and then try to ignore them. The one friend who I have never met before starts calling my name and saying ‘Where are you?’, ‘I love you’ and so on, I continue to ignore them.
Eventually the friends leave and the HF comes to knock on my door. I open and he starts talking in a mix of English and Chinese, he can barely stand up straight. After about five minutes he says that he needs to rest and practically passes out on the couch.
All in all it was very uncomfortable for me because I have very little experience with drunk people as I do not drink myself. Also I felt extremely vulnerable and unsafe with three intoxicated 30 + men (two of which were around 180 cm and well built) who I do not know.
I realize that as it is his home my HF is allowed to bring people over as well as drink, and that’s not really the problem. The problem is that no one else was around at the time, if another family member such as the aunt or the mother had been home it hadn’t bothered me half as much.
Now I need to figure out if I should talk to my HM about this or not as I think she does not know what happened, or if I am simply overreacting and should forget about it.
Any advice on how to handle this is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance! APinChina