Comments on: Au Pair Abruptly Quits, then wants to come back to see kids. Really? (poll) http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Fri, 18 May 2012 03:14:06 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: TomPier http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-2/#comment-8973 TomPier Sat, 08 May 2010 16:37:12 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-8973 great post as usual! great post as usual!

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]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-2/#comment-8049 Anonymous Mon, 05 Apr 2010 01:10:11 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-8049 Just realized the above comment was way too late! It sounds like you handled the situation though! Just realized the above comment was way too late! It sounds like you handled the situation though!

]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-2/#comment-8048 Anonymous Mon, 05 Apr 2010 01:06:36 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-8048 While she doesn't deserve to say goodbye, this situation ultimately isn't really about her. It's not even really about you. It's about your kids. I think you should let her say goodbye under your own terms (supervised or however you feel comfortable). She may not be acting in the most mature fashion, but I think it's a good lesson for your kids if they can get some closure and part ways amicably. They need to know that she's not leaving because of anything that they did, and whether you and your au pair are getting along at the moment or not, I don't think it should affect the relationship between her and your kids. I hope this helps! Ultimately you have to make the decision that makes you comfortable though! While she doesn’t deserve to say goodbye, this situation ultimately isn’t really about her. It’s not even really about you. It’s about your kids. I think you should let her say goodbye under your own terms (supervised or however you feel comfortable). She may not be acting in the most mature fashion, but I think it’s a good lesson for your kids if they can get some closure and part ways amicably. They need to know that she’s not leaving because of anything that they did, and whether you and your au pair are getting along at the moment or not, I don’t think it should affect the relationship between her and your kids. I hope this helps! Ultimately you have to make the decision that makes you comfortable though!

]]> By: NoVA Host Mom http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6924 NoVA Host Mom Wed, 24 Feb 2010 13:14:16 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6924 I'm sorry, but I think you have been reading too many junk novels. If a man is going to cheat, it has nothing to do with "neglecting our husbands", it has to do with the husband being a louse. And the whole "AP-HD" fling crap is just that. Crap. This is an AP issue. I’m sorry, but I think you have been reading too many junk novels. If a man is going to cheat, it has nothing to do with “neglecting our husbands”, it has to do with the husband being a louse. And the whole “AP-HD” fling crap is just that. Crap. This is an AP issue.

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]]> By: Dee http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6919 Dee Wed, 24 Feb 2010 10:59:05 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6919 Four weeks later, the au pair emailed me an "explanation." It was a list of self-centered, petty complaints that she allowed to accumulate because she claimed she was afraid to discuss them with us. (For the record, she had no trouble bringing up tough topics like money and extra time off.) We have come to the conclusion that her leaving was self-serving and pretextual...she found an extension family that would take her sooner than her twelfth month with us was up. Given the pattern of behavior, and things that have come out since her departure, (for example, we found out she gave our 9 year old the silent treatment for a week last summer, after the child told mommy au pair was texting while driving) we are not pursuing any opportunity for a formal goodbye...it would only serve her interests in soothing any guilt au pair might have, not the children's interests at this point. Although we were sorry and disappointed the relationship ended as it did, in retrospect we are glad to be rid of this petty, selfish young lady. Four weeks later, the au pair emailed me an “explanation.” It was a list of self-centered, petty complaints that she allowed to accumulate because she claimed she was afraid to discuss them with us. (For the record, she had no trouble bringing up tough topics like money and extra time off.) We have come to the conclusion that her leaving was self-serving and pretextual…she found an extension family that would take her sooner than her twelfth month with us was up. Given the pattern of behavior, and things that have come out since her departure, (for example, we found out she gave our 9 year old the silent treatment for a week last summer, after the child told mommy au pair was texting while driving) we are not pursuing any opportunity for a formal goodbye…it would only serve her interests in soothing any guilt au pair might have, not the children’s interests at this point. Although we were sorry and disappointed the relationship ended as it did, in retrospect we are glad to be rid of this petty, selfish young lady.

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]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6730 Anonymous Wed, 17 Feb 2010 10:26:23 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6730 Personally, I don't think great au pairs just disappear like that. Something pushed her to make that decision....why on earth would a young girl who's being well taken care of suddenly up and leave? I suppose there are lots of reasons but the first that comes to mind is "have you considered that your husband may have made a pass at her and now she's scared to death/very uncomfortable and doesn't want to hurt you...hence disappearing w/o an explanation....yet loves your children so much she wants to come back and see them? Personally I would take the kids by myself to a place they can all say goodbye w/o your hubby and talk to her and see if that's the reason. Sometimes, as we work to death to take good care of our young kids, our husbands feel neglected (their problem) and behave badly. I've seen it happen, so it's just a thought. I don't know you and please don't take offense....you seem like a great, concerned mom....but it is a possibility... Personally, I don’t think great au pairs just disappear like that. Something pushed her to make that decision….why on earth would a young girl who’s being well taken care of suddenly up and leave? I suppose there are lots of reasons but the first that comes to mind is “have you considered that your husband may have made a pass at her and now she’s scared to death/very uncomfortable and doesn’t want to hurt you…hence disappearing w/o an explanation….yet loves your children so much she wants to come back and see them?

Personally I would take the kids by myself to a place they can all say goodbye w/o your hubby and talk to her and see if that’s the reason. Sometimes, as we work to death to take good care of our young kids, our husbands feel neglected (their problem) and behave badly. I’ve seen it happen, so it’s just a thought.

I don’t know you and please don’t take offense….you seem like a great, concerned mom….but it is a possibility…

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]]> By: Dee http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6403 Dee Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:56:45 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6403 Thanks, Anonymous. I have been coming around to your theory of things on my own. It's nice to have an objective person voice it! I will continue to try to ferret things out, with the agency, believe me! Thanks, Anonymous.

I have been coming around to your theory of things on my own. It’s nice to have an objective person voice it!

I will continue to try to ferret things out, with the agency, believe me!

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]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6331 Anonymous Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:25:08 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6331 I will bet I know what happened : the aupair " found " this family online through some website , maybe Craig's List , and then, she convinced that family to sign on with her agency. Then, she told the LCC some story about how miserable she was with you , unfair working conditions, whatever. It is very convenient for the Director to " blame " the LCC but in the end, it is the national office who bears the responsibility. No LCC can make a placement without support from the national office. It was most likely a question of having an aupair go off the books or sign up a new customer. They probably figured they had already lost you as a a customer anyway. I would not stop with this lady you spoke to ... I would go right to the top and ask for a written explanation. That is not to say you shouldn't say " ta ta " and forget this girl but the excuse given to you seems to me very lame. I think that if there was a possibility of you still working with them, the story would have played out very differently. I will bet I know what happened : the aupair ” found ” this family online through some website , maybe Craig’s List , and then, she convinced that family to sign on with her agency. Then, she told the LCC some story about how miserable she was with you , unfair working conditions, whatever. It is very convenient for the Director to ” blame ” the LCC but in the end, it is the national office who bears the responsibility. No LCC can make a placement without support from the national office. It was most likely a question of
having an aupair go off the books or sign up a new customer. They
probably figured they had already lost you as a a customer anyway.
I would not stop with this lady you spoke to … I would go right to the top and ask for a written explanation. That is not to say you shouldn’t say ” ta ta ” and forget this girl but the excuse given to you seems to me very lame. I think that if there was a possibility of you still working with them, the story would have played out very differently.

]]> By: CV http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6321 CV Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:24:38 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6321 Dee, thanks for the update on the rest of the story. Still irksome, but at least you can more towards closure. Dee, thanks for the update on the rest of the story. Still irksome, but at least you can more towards closure.

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]]> By: Dee http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-6314 Dee Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:34:18 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/au-pair-abruptly-quits-then-wants-to-some-back-to-see-kids-yes-or-no-poll/2010/01/28/celiaharquail/#comment-6314 Still no explanation from the au pair. However, she ended up placed with a new family 3 days after leaving us, and they are extending with her for the 6 months she was looking to extend and honoring her vacation plans. Only one child, in an extremely wealthy community. She traded up! I smell a rat, and think her departure was calculated and the "straw that broke the camel's back" was largely pretextual. But I'm only guessing... The regional director has been involved, and the LCC has been "addressed" I am told, for her lack of support of the family. I am also promised that some further elaboration from the au pair (of the supposed underlying, brewing reasons for her discontent) will be forthcoming. Meanwhile, the au pair is about 20 miles from us until September. We may see her, we may not, in the day-to-day of things, but there will be no formal meeting with the kids until (if) there is an explanation. The kids have moved on nicely at this point, and the only one who would benefit from a planned meeting would be the au pair, as I expect it would assuage her guilt (if any). Still no explanation from the au pair.

However, she ended up placed with a new family 3 days after leaving us, and they are extending with her for the 6 months she was looking to extend and honoring her vacation plans. Only one child, in an extremely wealthy community. She traded up! I smell a rat, and think her departure was calculated and the “straw that broke the camel’s back” was largely pretextual. But I’m only guessing…

The regional director has been involved, and the LCC has been “addressed” I am told, for her lack of support of the family. I am also promised that some further elaboration from the au pair (of the supposed underlying, brewing reasons for her discontent) will be forthcoming.

Meanwhile, the au pair is about 20 miles from us until September. We may see her, we may not, in the day-to-day of things, but there will be no formal meeting with the kids until (if) there is an explanation.

The kids have moved on nicely at this point, and the only one who would benefit from a planned meeting would be the au pair, as I expect it would assuage her guilt (if any).

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