Comments on: Advice Wanted: Untruthful and ungrateful — what to do?

By: franzi

franzi — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 16:07:40 +0000

lies are never a good sign. the fact that hostparents cannot trust their AP because of previous lies shows that she did betray them and did not do much to gain back the trust.

i would be straight forward and confront her with her lies (when you initially find out) and see where the behavior goes from there. if there are no improvements or you notice that you cannot trust the AP again, it’s time for a rematch.

trust is the most fundamental part of your relationship with an AP, imho.

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By: VA Host Mom

VA Host Mom — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 03:22:11 +0000

Back to the original message for Dawn. We also had an au pair lie to us. Personally her lies were the icing on the cake. Not to mention that her personality didn’t match our family in the least bit. But once the lying surfaced, I could no longer trust her. In my opinion, you should rematch.

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By: This Time Last Year: January 2009

This Time Last Year: January 2009 — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 22:43:03 +0000

[...] to improve your Au Pair relationship in just one minute Advice Wanted: Untruthful and ungrateful — what to do? Tip: Save those Ice Skates!A Death in Her Family: How can you help? Help: My Au Pair is Blogging [...]

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By: Lina

Lina — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:32:04 +0000

Anna… She´s probably a young girl in a whole new country and it´s much likely that she´s not american and has english as “her” language. I think she needs the family she lives with. I think it isn´t right that you put all the blame on this girl. Maybe she could have been more “out there” and asked. But at least where I come from (Sweden) it´s quite rude to ask the family to join them when she doesn´t really know them.

Anna, tell the family what you feel. I´m sure your hostfamily will support you!

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By: Calif mom

Calif mom — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:21:04 +0000

I agree with E2 completely. Nicely said.

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By: E2

E2 — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 05:44:12 +0000

Hi Sara,
A completely different host mom’s perspective…we know some families that really don’t want the au pair involved with their family. We’re the opposite and had an au pair that was not interested in us (she went to her room every night after dinner and didn’t come out until the next morning…when we asked her to hang out with us in the evening every once and a while, she told us to tell her which day and for how long and she would do it…then followed up with how it was a stretch for her to even eat dinner with us and that it was just the way she was and she wasn’t going to change!) So…we’ve rematched with someone that we think will want the family experience. I’d advise that you talk with your host mom about it…ask if they want the au pair to be part of the family and hang out with them…if not, and you crave that relationship, it may be time to look for a new family. Hope everything works out for you!

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By: Anna

Anna — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:35:19 +0000

Sara, from a hostmom’s perspective, I think you are an introvert, right?
I think the family’s invitations are implicit. They were explicit the first week while you were new, now as a member of the family the onus is on you to ask to join them. I think they think that you are a loner and don’t want to intrude on your privacy, and just let you be. They might be upset too that you don’t show much interest in joining them, you never know.

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By: Kara

Kara — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:19:16 +0000

I had an au pair with a very similar profile who in retrospect I wish that we had terminated. We tried everything to get her to be honest, and were generous to her as well, but the lies continued on small things and large. For example , when she repeatedly left our front door unlocked, she blamed our house cleaner (based on timing and history, I knew it was not her). When she broke things (a not infrequent occurrence), she simply hid them or only told us when it became an emergency. When this would happen, I would explain that everyone has mishaps and I wouldn’t expect her to be any different, but that it was important she “fess up” so we could deal with a situation without having it become a nightmare. No effect. She was also a professed “devout Christian”, but her behavior really suggested otherwise. She did love our kids, and was good to them, and it is for this reason we kept her on. Now, however, I know from various sources (including the kids) about lies that never surfaced until she left. For one example of many I could cite, it turned out she had a boyfriend come over every single day while the kids were at school but never told us. When she first started, I told her friends and boyfriends were fine to have as visitors, but we would just like to meet them first. She told me she did not have a boyfriend and appeared shocked and almost offended that I would think she would invite a man over. During her tenure my diamond earrings disappeared. Despite her lack of credibility, I couldn’t bring myself to think she had stolen them, but now I really do wonder. Once your trust in the au pair goes, I think it’s time to say good-bye. Looking back, I think this au pair’s moral compass was simply broken and nothing I could have done would have helped repair it. We have had 9 au pairs and this one is the only one who behaved in such a compromised way. The majority have been tremendous assets to our family and I still have a lot of faith in au pairs and appreciation for their contributions to our family. If I ever end up with another one I don’t trust, however, she will be gone and gone quickly.

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By: Sara

Sara — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:25:51 +0000

Well I am an au pair myself and I am having a dilemma… The family doesn’t seem to include me in things. When I was first here, they did ask me if I would like to tag along and this was just the first week. After the first week they do not ask and it’s not like I said no because I did go with them when asked. The mother goes and hangs out with her family without saying a word. I thought it was strange since why wouldn’t she want to introduce her new au pair to her mother?

I hear them when they are leaving because I live downstairs. Never a word. They don’t say much to me either unless it concerns the job. I am beginning to feel depressed.

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By: Dotty

Dotty — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:23:59 +0000

Well looking outside of faith or beliefs. In respect to not telling the truth is never acceptable in any way shape or form. Especially when caring for children. As ultimately, white lies lead to….poor decision making & safety concerns for your kids. As hard as it is to change au pairs & go through transition sometimes you don’t have a choice. To me lying is the ultimate immaturiy item & can not be excused or overlooked. As this poor lack of judgement will spill over into everything she does………

I totally believe to give your au pair lots of freedom to make her own schedule & develop her own accountabilty for what she likes to do. So for her developing sense of time & schedules….is something she needs to be responsible for herself. (ie…if she wishes to have a courtesy ride anywhere…she better be on time or have no ride at all) After all they are in an adult position caring for children. All host families have children to care for that take a lot of time last thing a host family needs is yet another teenage child causing disruption. They are here to help & cause peace.

In closing, lying is never acceptable no matter what. Of course all au pairs need understanding & a chance to remedy situations that have occured by working together as mishaps happen or they are learning your household too. But if trust has been taken away by lying, thats a character flaw that won’t change.

I wish you LUCK!!!! Hang in there, there are lots of wonderful au pairs out there!!! Its wonderful when you have one.

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