Let’s Celebrate!

by cv harquail on March 8, 2010

I was surprised to discover that AuPairMom has just published our 300th post!

It’s hard to believe. But even more amazing?

These 300 posts have generated 6, 151 comments from us.

What a happy amount of wisdom going around.

To celebrate, two things are in order…
First, invite a host parent friend to come join us here at AuPairMom.
Second, indulge me in my Hello Kitty enthusiasm.

(You know you love Hello Kitty. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that. We’ve certainly shared worse secrets.)

Is AuPairMom helping you be a better host parent? If yes, share the link with other host parents and help spread the word!

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Awkward: It’s not a walk of shame if we know you are safe

by cv harquail on March 8, 2010

So let’s jump on in to another awkward topic — If your au pair is having fun, safe overnights, and she just wants to make sure you’re not worried, how should she tell you? Should she even tell you?

I don’t actually want to know if my au pair is having fun. I do want to know that she is being medically safe, that she is being socially safe, and that we can find her if there is an emergency.

Me being me, I have been pretty straightforward in talking to our au pairs about their personal safety. I have said in so many words “I don’t want to know who you’re dating, I just want to know that you are safe, and when to worry.” And I have always brought this up myself with each of our au pairs, rather early in their time with us, so we had a a system established for making sure that we had the ‘just in case’ information,even before it was needed.

A System: (1) Contact phone number, (2) Home tonight yes or no?

Back before cell phones, our au pair would write down the name, address and phone number of her boyfriend, and also the contact information for her best au pair girlfriends. She sealed this in an envelope, and we put it in the cabinet to be opened “just in case”. If she had more than one boyfriend, I never knew. I just knew that there was an envelope with information just in case.

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I also asked our au pairs just to let me know with with a quick phone call if they had changed plans and were not coming home that night. I didn’t want to worry if she had planned to stay out somewhere, but I did want to be able to call the police if we expected her home and she never wandered back in.

Later, once our au pairs had cell phones, a quick text message and another contact phone number were all I asked for. I really didn’t need to know “who”, just “whether” and “when” they were coming home. This managed to get me the information I needed if there were an emergency, but gave our au pair a smidgen of privacy.

[[In the background, I was also concerned about whether the guys they were dating were decent young men, but I never had real worries because all of our au pairs were sensible young women who were pretty picky when it came to American guys. (The Irish and Scottish soccer coaches were a whole different matter.)  ]]

Now, consider this thoughtful email from a au pair.

First of all, I really love your blog, and have been reading it ever since I began my application last year. Host parents on the blog seem to share really useful advice.

I realize that what I’m asking may be a difficult subject to discuss (especially since I’ve gotten the impression that this is even more taboo here than in my home country), but I really need some advice, and I don’t know where else to get it.

I am happily placed with a host family I love, and I feel like I can talk to them about everything – except this.

I have kinda started seeing an American guy in the town where I live, and I’ve told my host parents that I went on a date with him. The problem is, I haven’t told them that we’re also sleeping together, ’cause I’m afraid of how they might react.

I am being careful, and I don’t just mean using protection. I always tell one or more of my friends where I’m going, how long I’ll be there, and message them when I get home. Going without sex for my whole year in the US was never really an option for me, and this guy is perfect, as none of us actually wants a relationship. I just don’t feel right lying to my host parents about where I go when I go to see him.

So what I really need some advice on is this:

Should I tell my host parents about this (in a gentle way) so that they can know where I am at all times? Or is there such a thing as too much information?

How would you react if you knew your au pair was having casual sex?

How can I handle this thing without having them lose their trust in me?

I’m not very open to comments about ending my relationship with this guy, because is a a great person and we’re clear on what our relationship is. AP22

Now, this is my kind of au pair– safe, sensible and thoughtful. What advice do you have for her?


You can buy this print from TheWheatfield on Etsy for only $22! The guy you can probably find in Williamsburg (Brooklyn).

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6 Reasons why your Au Pair should NOT work a second job

by cv harquail on March 6, 2010

We’ve talked recently about the issues related to having an au pair work extra hours for the host family, and we’ve also talked about whether you should let your au pair babysit for your friends. But we haven”t talked about whether you should permit your au pair to work at another job.

“Why haven’t we talked about this before?” you might wonder.  The answer is simple:

201003051804.jpgHaving your au pair take a second job is a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Never works out well for anyone. Ever.

Of course, now that I’ve written those words, we’ll hear from the two au pairs who were able to manage a second job because their host families only needed them for 20 hours a week, or something. But, having talked to so many host parents, I can tell you that I’ve never heard of a host parent for whom this has worked out.

It is against the rules for an au pair to work a second job. It is also illegal.

And, it is a horrible idea, for these 6 additional reasons:201003051801.jpg

  • She’ll be too tired to work when she’s on duty with your kids, because she’ll be working too many hours.
  • She’ll get attached to the extra money and start to devalue the non-cash compensation and the non-financial benefits she gets from you.
  • The job with the official paycheck, out in public, where when meets people, will begin to feel more important than your job, at home, with your kids, which becomes just babysitting.
  • She will schedule herself to work, and then not be available when you need her.
  • She’ll work all of those hours (like weekends, and Saturday nights) when you’d rather have her on duty, but which you’ve set as her free time so she can relax and socialize.
  • She may need your car to get there and back. If it’s your third care, she probably won’t compensate you for the mileage. If it’s your second car, you and/or your spouse will be stranded.

Here is a question from a host family who is trying to figure out how to respond to their au pair, who wants to get a second job.

Our au pair is considering taking a second job. My husband and I have set some strict ground rules and made it clear she will have to quit if it interferes with her au pair duties. She knows that it is against the terms of her visa and of the au pair program, although we have said that this is between her and the agency and state department. And, my DH and I are on the fence about the whole idea.

I’m curious about other host families have experienced with this issue. Here’s what I’d love to know:

Did you say no if your au pair asked to get a second job?

Have you allowed (or just turned a blind eye to) your au pair having a second job in retail or waitressing, for example?

201003051804.jpg

How did it impact her performance for you as your au pair?

Did you set ground rules?

Did you ever find out that your au pair had a second job, and then asked her to quit? Or reported her to your LCC/Area Director?

What are the implications for you if she is caught by the LCC/Area Director or the sponsoring agency?

Serve up your advice parents!

Photos from Flickr:

Hot waitress from sourjayne Team of Hooters from Dale Miller Kristi Serves from Buckshot Frank

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Au Pairs and Cell Phones: Concrete tips to hold down costs?

March 5, 2010

When a host mom emailed to ask for some specific suggestions around keeping the cost of cell phones down, I flinched. The whole cell phone thing, like recycling, is delegated in our house to my DH. Why? Because I just can’t stand to deal with it. Though I should deal with it, and stop avoiding [...]

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7 Ways to help your Au Pair get a US driver’s license

March 3, 2010

As we learned in the conversation about whether to get a US driver’s license, the process itself can be a bit of a drag. There is nothing like waiting in line at the DMV for 55 minutes only to be turned away because they don’t consider your Estonian passport to be “enough” identification.
There are a [...]

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Can this Au Pair relationship be saved? Lying, smoking, drinking, and the silent treatment

March 3, 2010

Hi, AuPairMom Readers–
We are a host family in a metropolitan suburb with two young boys. This is our fourth year hosting. Over the years, we have had 3 very successful matches and 2 rematches – a mixed bag. The good matches were very good, and those au pairs continue to visit us, and [...]

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Do you require your Au Pair to get a U.S. driver’s licence?

March 2, 2010

For example, in our town the police officers get upset if you don’t have a US license and have even ticketed a au pair or two, even though state lae says that using an international driver’s license is legal.

…Someone at our local DMV does not understand that a J1 working visa is different from a student visa, and has turned away more than one au pair who didn’t have a school transcript with her. it’s worthwhile to have a native English speaker there to explain the visa requirements so au pairs don’t have to stand in line for hours multiple times only to be turned away.

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My Au Pair got a speeding ticket

March 1, 2010

Has your au pair ever gotten a speeding ticket? That you know of? Or that you found out about later, after several summonses arrived in the mail? How have you handled this?
Tell it to this Host Mom:

Our au pair got a speeding ticket– a surprise for her and for me. Now I have to figure [...]

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When your Local Community Counselor can’t remember your name

February 25, 2010

Wanna talk about creating a good relationship with your Local Community Counselor (LCC)? Let’s take a tip from a real Super Nanny, TSOM’s Fraulein Maria. “Let’s start at the very beginning.”
No one (neither Au Pair nor host parent) can have a supportive relationship with an LCC unless the LCC does two basic things:
(1) Keep in [...]

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Tax Info For Au Pairs

February 24, 2010

HostDadinNJ sent me a PDF of information from the Au Pair Care Agency, which answers lots of questions AND has some great links to official & legal information.
Sadly, I can’t figure out how to upload the pdf to the blog, since I’m missing the MSQL PHP or something.  However, in the meantime, if you [...]

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