Au Pair Asks: How Do I Ask Prospective Host Families About Guns in Their Home?

by cv harquail on June 17, 2013

Following on our earlier post about guns in the home, here’s a different take on the issue.

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An au pair candidate writes to ask–

How do I ask possible host families about whether they have weapons in their home?

When I replied this au pair’s email, I mentioned to her that she’s the first au pair ever to bring this question up! (And after 6 years of this blog, it’s hard to find a situation that’s completely new.)

Why is it that au pairs haven’t raised this question before?

Is it a function of cultural differences?

The United States has the highest gun ownership rates in the world and the second highest rate of gun deaths among industrialized nations. 

With all the gun-related death news in the USA these past 12 months alone, you’d think the issue would be on au pairs’ minds.

But then again, we never think that an accidental, hand gun- related  death will happen to anyone we know.

Weapon-Free  Au Pair writes:

I plan on going to the USA to work as an Au Pair and have one question and would love to hear the opinion of host families about this issue.

I’ve just started thinking what is really important to me in a host family and what is not so important.

<However, there is one issue which is really important to me. I don’t think I want to live in a family that owns one or several weapons.

Also, I have been hearing of accidents where kids accidentally shot their brother / or father. I know these horrible accidents are exceptional cases and I am also sure that 99,9% of all weapon owners safely lock their weapons away but I would not feel comfortable living with a family that owns weapons.

Well, I have been wondering if it is possible to discuss this topic during interviews with families, if so when?

I worry that I would not make a good impression on families if I asked them if they have weapons and that it might decrease my chances to find a family – even if the family I am asking does not have a weapon and is pro gun control.

Do you think it is appropriate to ask such a question or would you be offended if an applicant asked such a question – no matter if you have a weapon or not –?

I really don’t want to start a conflict on aupairmom about weapon laws in the USA.  My concern is much more personal — Guns are not something that I can feel comfortable with, even if the family is super, super safe with them.

How can I ask this question, and when, without turning families off?

Host Parents, how should this au pair raise the question about guns? 

Has *any* au pair ever asked you about guns?

See this chart that compares gun ownership and gun-related deaths across industrialized nations:    On Guns, America Stands Out  NYT

Image: AttributionNoncommercial Some rights reserved by theclyde

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Au Pairs and Guns in Your House: Rules, Principles, and Having the Conversation

by cv harquail on June 15, 2013

I remember the first time my baby was invited to someone else’s house for a playdate, without me but with my au pair. The other child’s au pair had extended the invitation, but I called the other parents myself just to check in.

I asked them all the usual questions– what time, where, allergies, any mean dogs, etc. And then I asked them the hard question:

Do you keep any handguns or shotguns in your house, and if you do have guns are they stored in a locked gun case?

Yeah, I know you all think I’m an uptight freak already, what with the phone answering script and the emphasis on manners.

And yeah, I ask people about guns in their house.
gun safety, au pair advice

My nuclear family has no guns in the house, but my dad’s siblings are all hunters. At their homes, there are hunting rifles. My uncle is a state trooper, and there are hand guns in his house. All of us know there are guns in these houses, and all of us know that the guns are kept in a gun safe.

As far as I know, only one of our family friends has guns in their home. In a safe. In the attic.

How do I know?  Because. I. Asked.

Why did I ask?

Because stuff happens, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone I love.

Help Protect Your Au Pair and Your Kids

If the adults in your family have handguns or hunting guns, you should have a talk with your au pair about it. Tell him/her that there are guns, that they are off-limits to him/her, and that the guns are locked in a safe.

If you live in part of the country where other people are likely to have guns, either hunting guns (Vermont?) or handguns (Texas?), talk with your au pair about the possibility that there might be guns in the homes of au pairs or other kids that she visits.

Keep in mind that about half of gun owners do not keep their guns locked away (either in a safe or with a trigger lock). A full 30% of gun owners keep their guns loaded as well as unlocked. Even when and where gun ownership is legal, not every gun owner stores their guns in a manner that keeps them out of the hands of others. Therefore,

Establish a protocol with your au pair for keeping him/her AND YOUR KIDS safe from guns.

Discuss how you want to handle the ‘gun status’ of a home that your child/ren and au pair might be visiting:

– Do you want your au pair to ask families s/he interacts with about the ‘gun status’ of their homes? OR
– Will you personally check the ‘gun status’ of a potential playdate’s home?

– Will you teach your au pair to walk out of a house where people have guns but do not lock them away?
– Will you teach your au pair to walk away from any situation where a host parent or other adult is handling a gun for any reason?

If your family has rifles or handguns, and kids, you probably have the guns locked away.

– Talk with your au pair about the guns you have in your home.
– Explain to your au pair the safety precautions you and other adults in your home take, when handling the guns you own.
– Perhaps too obvious but, don’t allow your au pair to handle any of the guns in your home.
– If you live in a state where people can carry guns in their cars or trucks, put these guns in a ‘mobile’ gun safe, keep them unloaded, and hide the key to the safe.

Many people who own guns are responsible. They treat guns like the lethal weapons they are, and are scrupulous about following gun safety procedures.

However– not everyone acts responsibly, and sometimes people forget.

Guns in a home are a statistical accident waiting to happen. Reduce the chances of these accidents by following gun storage guidelines if you have guns in your home, and by assessing the gun safety of the homes your au pair and kids visit.

Finally, DONT ASSUME that your au pair knows what to do with a gun, or what to do if s/he sees that someone has guns in their home. Just because s/he’s seen people on TV use a gun doesn’t mean s/he will even know how to move it out of the way safely.

 

 

Coming up: A post for Au Pairs: How do you feel about guns in your host parent’s home?

See Also: Keeping Guns Away From Children The New York Times

Some facts to note:

More than a third (35%) of homes with children—that’s 22 million children ages 18 and under in more than 11 million homes—had at least one firearm, found researchers in a RAND-UCLA study [6]. But only 39% of these families keep their firearms locked, unloaded, and separate from ammunition as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. University of Michigan Health System

Image: Safety First, AttributionNoncommercialShare Alike Some rights reserved by sldownard

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Au Pair Confessions: All the stuff we don’t want to believe Au Pairs actually think

by cv harquail on June 11, 2013

Last month a regular reader/commenter brought to my attention the Facebook page called “AuPair Confessions” .

It’s almost as bad as looking at Pinterest.

au pair confessions

It took me a long time to get up the energy to go check it out, because I just didn’t want to see what disgruntled au pairs might ‘confess’ about — plus I already see a lot of that in the emails that come to aupairmom and that– due to my editing– never make it onto the blog page!

Some of the updates are funny stories, and some of them are completely predictable, like this one:

#291 i am happy to announce I hate my host mother. She is a bitch!!
To crown it all she told me the other day she knows I think she is a bitch!
I said, well I do!

There are the predictable (salacious, and I’ll bet not altogether true) ‘naughty host dad’ stories.  [Large sigh, and not in a good way.]

But three kinds of posts stand out for me:

The Sad and True Stories

Some of the updates are sad because you just know that there really ARE host families who are breaking the rules, taking advantage of their au pairs, and just not getting the big picture of what a good au pair-host family relationship can bring to everyone involved. Shame on them, and the agencies and counselors who help these families get away with it.

The Scams

There seem to be some scammers promoting jobs with few hours, high pay and perfect children– a triple combo that we know is impossible to offer.

The “I hope that’s OUR Au Pair”

And then there are the status updates about how wonderful the kids are, how the host parents are flawed but kind, how the au pair has learned so much, and how the year has been a wonderful adventure.

(Which makes me wonder– is that really a ‘confession’? But I digress…)

These are the things that I really hope our au pairs experience.…

and it’s nice to know that some au pairs and some host families are really growing through their relationships.

Going forward, the page organizers have just announced that, due to demonstrated demand, they’ll actually be starting a blog. This could be fun.

I wonder if an au pair blog would be the mirror image of this one… with active, caring participants largely of the ‘target’ group and also including interested parties, with the occasional grump, axe-grinder or crazy to mix things up a bit.  What do you think?

Has anyone else spent time checking out AuPair Confessions? If you have, what do you think– did anything surprise you? ??

 

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Au Pair Scheduling: How to count time around Drop-Offs and Pick-ups

by cv harquail June 10, 2013

When does an au pair actually ‘stop’ being on the clock?   Is it when the kids are off with someone else, or when the au pair is back at ‘home base’? Before we even address this substance of the question, I need to point out  => If you have to count minutes down to [...]

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Male Au Pairs, Revolutionaries and Change Agents

by cv harquail May 30, 2013

Can male au pairs change the world? The Wall Street Journal would like you to think so. Belatedly, I’ve come across this WSJ article: No, Girls Are Not Natural Baby Sitters, by Charlotte Alter, that suggests that ‘normalizing’ male au pairs would hasten the demise of sexism. Yea for that, I say. I love the [...]

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Overnight hours: Should we be able to schedule Au Pairs to work overnight?

by cv harquail May 25, 2013

StudentHostMom writes with a question about overnight childcare. Our contract strictly forbids leaving the kids alone with the au pair overnight. Our main reason for getting an au pair was to support me as I returned to classes, part time, to finish my college degree. Since my husband travels all week, every week, our Au Pair [...]

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Mother’s Day Musings, from Au Pairs to Host Moms

by cv harquail May 12, 2013

What do our au pairs really think of us Host Moms? Every now and then I wonder about this. Au Pairs see us at our very worst mommyness (e.g., wet hair, no makeup, screeching about laundry) and at our very best (snuggling our kids, solving problems, singing in the car).  Au Pairs also see what [...]

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Proposed Immigration Legislation Affecting AuPairs: What do you think?

by cv harquail May 10, 2013

This week, many host families received letters from their Au Pair Agencies and/or from the Alliance for International Education and Cultural Exchange. (Note: The Alliance is an advocacy group for cultural exchange programs. Many au pair agencies are members). Previously, we’ve received requests to contact our Representatives about changes in Tax Law. This time, it’s US Immigration regulations. (See [...]

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What do Host Parents think about Nanny Cams?: Au Pair Asks

by cv harquail May 8, 2013

It’s been a long time since we had our last conversation about Nanny Cams. We’ve had a couple of suggestions for a post about them, but I have always resisted.   Only about 15% of host parent readers who took our poll back then reported that they even considered using a nanny cam. Personally, I [...]

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When Your Au Pair Loses Your Smart Phone

by cv harquail May 7, 2013

Yeah, it happens.  The phone falls out of a pocket into a puddle. Or a purse gets stolen. Whatever the reason … If your au pair loses or breaks the smart phone that you provided for her/him, it is up to her/him to replace it, or to pay to replace it. One of our au [...]

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